Shay, Addie, Elijah and I visited Jude's grave on the Saturday afternoon before Easter and brought some flower pots, a little birdbath and bunnies. Addie helped me to pick out the flowers and she was so excited to visit her baby brother's gravesite. Elijah loves to roam around the graveyard and pull mementos off of other people's graves--oops. I stood for a few minutes by myself while Shay and Addie chased down Elijee, next to the rectangular patch of newly seeded earth where Jude's grave had been dug and subsequently filled. I listened to the chimes tinkling around the cemetery at different graves, giving a voice to the wind. I remembered the day I helped to lower my baby's coffin into the earth. Elijah (not yet 2 years old) kept saying "Ohp, Ohp," which mean't "open." He wanted to open that box and see his brother one more time, set him free. It was so tender. It is a hard thing to wrap my head around--knowing that Jude's physical body lies there silent below the earth, but that his spirit, his Being continues to exist in another sphere. I've always believed this and been a faithful person, but when death happens for real to someone so close, it really makes you ponder these deep questions and to want more details about the hereafter.
When I start missing Jude and thinking about him being gone, I try to focus my mind on the fact that he is still there and that his spirit is aware, watching and listening. I call him by name and talk to him, and this is when the feeling of peace returns to my heart. I tell him my feelings and share my thoughts with him, and I am put at ease.
On Easter Sunday while we were in Sacrament meeting listening to talks about the Savior and His Atonement, Crucifixion and Resurrection, my mother-in-law received an unexpected phone call. It was my sister-in-law calling to let us know about a tragic death in our extended family. Shay's brother's wife Tess lost her older sister Briana in a fatal car crash on Saturday afternoon. My mother-in-law was visibly shaken after taking the call and she whispered the news to me as we sat together in the pew at church. The shock of this news and how it would impact Tess and her family overwhelmed me. I felt incredible love for their family and understood some of the emotions and thoughts that they would struggle with in losing their child and sister. The thought came into my mind. . .how senseless and injust this life would be if there wasn't more to our existence than mortality on earth. My own tragedy and the tragedies of others continue to build my faith in a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who have a greater plan that extends beyond the bounds of death and time. I know that all things will be restored and that all will be made equal and right. He is not here, for He is risen! These were the words of the angel at Christ's empty tomb. What glorious news that eases the sting and sorrow of death and gives us hope to move forward with faith in the unseen.
God bless you Briana and the whole Blackwelder family.
What a beautiful post. I think of Jude and your sweet family often. I admire your strength, faith and bravery! You are a shining example of a loving mother and devoted follower of Christ.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tirzah, for this post. It's good to hear how you cope with Jude's death - how you try to shift from sad to happier thoughts of him. I am learning to do the same for Briana.
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter and Happy Mother's Day :)
-Tess